Do you struggle with knowing how to decipher your head from your heart?
Do you find yourself unsure about the relationships you are in, or the ones you are considering, and have no clue what to do?
Do you ignore those little instinctual feelings, the voice that gives you a warning, talking yourself out of following your own inner guidance?
There once was a time when I would have answered “Yes” to every one of these questions. I struggled in my relationships, unsure of why I didn’t feel like I could fully be myself and questioning what was wrong with me. I didn’t know how to trust my instincts and would question myself at every turn.
As you can imagine, this got me into a ton of situations that did not serve me and kept me invested in toxic relationships for far too long. I was basically sacrificing my own peace and happiness because I hadn’t learned how good relationships were supposed to feel. Convinced that it must be something I was doing wrong, I would expend so much energy and effort trying to adjust and make allowances for the things that didn’t feel good or right in my heart.
And I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt right now, that plan did not work at all. I stayed in a toxic marriage way too long and even convinced myself to attempt a reconciliation. I dated men who didn’t align with me and the journey I was on. I even created and invested in superficial relationships that didn’t serve me or the other person. I was spinning my wheels trying to figure out how I was supposed to decipher between the feelings in my heart and the thoughts in my head whenever something felt off while my mind convinced me that I must be crazy.
As I talk with clients, I see so many women struggling through the same thing when either dating a new partner or considering a reconciliation with a past partner. They find themselves confused and unclear, not sure of what they are really supposed to do.
I tell my clients that the answer to every question they can ever have is:
Learn to listen and have the courage to follow your intuition, even if it doesn’t make sense where it is leading you.
There is a quote that I absolutely love and I believe is so important that it hangs over my desk for me to see daily. This quote states “The quality of your rituals determines your success.” Rituals are a huge indicator of your mindset, the life you create each day, and therefore your overall success.
So, what are rituals?
Rituals are non-negotiable habits that you intentionally create in service of your higher purpose. Basically, they are a routine of behaviors connecting you to the best parts of yourself that you perform every single day. And, they are powerful.
When you make a decision to change or what I like to call “level up,” this means to improve, grow, or set forth to live to your potential. There will be challenges. Not only will you have to overcome things, but you will actually notice that your situation or life circumstances may even get worse before they get better. I’m not totally sure why this happens, maybe it is the universe testing you, but I do know it has a purpose.
I like to think of it a training. Let’s say for example you were to decide today to become a professional dancer. You wouldn’t just snap your fingers and be there. You would have to practice, face challenges, and things would certainly get worse before they got better. I imagine you would experience pain, frustration, resistance, and a whole slew of obstacles you would need to overcome. I am also guessing you would entertain the thought of giving up on a daily basis. All of this would be necessary though for you to learn the skills needed for you to be a professional dancer.
And I imagine this all sounds familiar, as this is the same when you decide to create a new lifestyle or “level up.” You are facing challenges and overcoming obstacles necessary for you to learn the skills needed for you to live at your potential. Before things start to make sense and have a flow to them, they will get worse, and the thing that will keep you going and get you to where you want to be are your daily rituals.
Lately, I have been noticing something that so many women seem to struggle with on a daily basis. I know I have in the past, and honestly, at times I still do. I have had to learn techniques and become very aware around it so that I do not allow this habit to run my life.
Do you have a guess as to what it may be?
Women are way too hard on themselves!
Being hard on yourself shows up in a variety of different ways and half of the time, you probably don’t even realize you are doing it. You may wonder why you are feeling badly, having a hard time loving yourself, and struggling to reach your goals. You may think it has something to do with the outside circumstances of your life. Maybe your dead-end job or the partner that isn’t giving you what you need, but it really never has anything to do with the outside world.
Let’s talk fear….
Marianne Williamson says “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frighten us.”
This is one of the most powerful sentences ever uttered and it applies to each of us throughout our lives. How many times have you turned your back to something you wanted so badly, could feel it deep within you that you were meant to do it, but in the end you just walked away? You probably convinced yourself that you were crazy to even want it in the first place, or maybe you even convinced yourself you never really wanted it at all. If you were aware enough to see what you were doing, maybe you were afraid of failing, afraid to not be able to succeed at whatever it is you desired of.
Most of us can relate to being afraid to fail. I know I spent many years of my life turning my back to my dreams, ending my pursuit right before the finish line. While I was doing this, I always found a way to convince myself I was doing the right thing. That I’m following my heart and the direction of my instincts. Later, I came to a place where I was ready to admit I’m afraid, except I mistakenly thought I was afraid of failing. Afraid of what failing would mean.
And then I realized it wasn’t failure I was afraid of. See… you can only fail if you quit and well, I had done that over and over in my life. So, I certainly wasn’t afraid of failing. What I was really afraid of was succeeding. I was afraid of what would happen if I actually did achieve my goals and rise to the top.
How to get through it
Many people believe that once you are healed you don’t have to go through the pain and struggle anymore. Like somehow you learn how to never again let anything bother you, and you can walk around happy and positive all the time. That somehow, everything simply rolls off your shoulders and you can greet every single negative occurrence in your life with a big smile on your face. If you get upset or are in a funk, then that must mean there is something wrong with you, and you have somehow fallen a thousand steps back in your healing process.
Well, it simply just isn’t true.
No matter how far along you get in your healing process and no matter how joyful and free your life becomes, you will still go through difficulties and challenges. You will get angry, upset, frustrated, and even get down on yourself. You will have moments where you want to scream and even end up in the occasional funk.
Throughout the rest of your life, you will continue to peel back layers of yourself and grow as a human into the person you are created to be. This process will straight up suck sometimes, no matter how evolved your spirit is and how on point your mindset gets. So, when you find yourself in a funk or having a bad day, it does not mean that you are going backwards or that you are “never” going to heal, it just means you are human!!
Do the details really matter?
I remember what it felt like to get caught up in the details after my marriage ended. I would zone in on every single thing that my Ex would do, break it apart, analyze it, and come to a conclusion of why whatever just happened was the reason that I was in so much pain. I would think to myself, of course, I am struggling to move on so much, look at the details of my story.
Why did I believe that my story was so much worse than your story, or even my Ex’s story? Why did it matter so much to me that I own and commit to that story and share it with anyone who would listen?
When we get so far inside of ourselves, it becomes really difficult to see things from any other view besides the pained and rejected lenses we are viewing the world through. We commit so fully to the details of our story that suddenly it is all we can see. Think about it, if your narrative is that you have been abandoned and thrown aside and that your Ex is heartless and uncaring, you are only going to see actions that prove your story right. Your mind will not allow you to see otherwise, even if it is staring you right in the face.
Then, your next step will be to share the details of your story with the world so that you can receive confirmation and validation that you are in fact right. This is because there is a part of you that is urging you to see that the details of your story don’t matter quite as much as you think they do. A part of you is pulling you toward opening up to love and being willing to see everything, including your Ex and the situation, through the lenses of love and kindness. This part of you knows that this is the only way in which you will ever be able to grow. The only way for you to one day truly claim your joy. Yet, you are committed to your story and the details provide you with just enough fuel to keep your fire burning.
“But I love him….”
How many times have you heard yourself think this statement? How many times have you spoken it out loud? You picture in your head all the things that were not okay in your relationship and remember in your heart how emotionally unsafe and unseen you truly felt. You know in your gut that you are better off continuing to move forward and never look back.
Yet, you can’t seem to stop obsessing on that one sticking point, you love him.
It’s the thought that keeps you up at night. The feeling that grips at your heart threatening to tear you apart. The obsession that keeps you confused and unable to truly let go and begin a life that is truly your own. Your love for him seems to overshadow every single truth and knowing you are aware of. That voice in your head keeps telling you that love is supposed to conquer all. That you simply should not let it go because to love someone this strongly is rare and doesn’t just go away.
Does this sound familiar to you at all?
For those of you that were engaged in a relationship with any sort of emotional, physical or mental abuse or even a relationship in which you simply didn’t feel emotionally safe or respected, what you are feeling is not actually love. What you are feeling is a detox from the addiction that was helping to fill the empty space within your heart.
If you are still pining over a past relationship filled with pain, then I am asking you to look within yourself and wonder why you are longing for a return to that pain and calling it love.
When I went through my divorce I was completely and utterly devastated. At first, that looked like shock and me going completely numb. I remember talking to my best friend night after night, repeating the facts to her and figuring out everything that needed to be done. One night during one of our marathon conversations, she asked me if I was ever going to cry. I repeatedly told her I was fine, better than fine, and that she did not need to worry about me. Obviously, I was making the best choice for myself and my son, and the fact that I was not a crying mess must be proof that my heart had been over it for some time. There was no pain, there was only me doing everything I knew I needed to do to transition into whatever this new life would be.
And then reality hit, and when I say hit, I mean reality barreled me over like a steam roller and left me peeling myself up off the floor piece by piece. What I remember most was that the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. It seared through every inch of my being with such intensity I thought it was sure to tear me apart. I cried, I screamed, I hit and threw things yet nothing seemed to make the pain go away. The pain was there to stay and it seemed there was nothing I could do about it.
So, I was left with a choice. I could allow the pain to wear me down, close my heart, and eventually break me, making it my excuse for falling apart OR I could use the pain to create and transform, making it my reason for overcoming and thriving.
I decided to use my pain as fuel for my success and becoming everything I ever dreamed I could be.
After going through any sort of loss or transition, there is so much time wasted worrying about the choices and decisions being made. Last week I wrote about the bottomless hell of the “What If Game” and how this game is a genius way to keep yourself distracted and stuck. You get caught up in an endless circle of doubt, questioning yourself at every turn and wondering which way is the right way to go. You are told to listen to your heart, follow your gut, and trust your intuition, but how are you supposed to do any of that when you honestly have no idea which voice is coming from where. As soon as you feel like you know something for sure, another voice comes through just as strongly, telling you the exact opposite thing to do. Next thing you know, you are right back in the endless circle of doubt, scared to death of making any decision at all.
Once you are caught in this circle, it becomes impossible to make a decision that you feel clear about. The longer you remain in this state of confusion, the more it overflows to other areas of your life. Before long, you are unsure of multiple decisions that need to be made and are questioning your choices across the board. Whether this process overwhelms and barrels you over, or simply nudges you with twinges of anxiety, you can feel lost and unsure, and end up allowing yourself to make the worst decision of all … No Decision. A space that leaves you disempowered and a victim of circumstance.
There are many layers of transitioning through any sort of loss and much of it involves allowing yourself to dig deeply and take an honest look at yourself, your wounds, and where you need to forgive yourself. I advise anyone struggling through a loss, feeling stuck and unable to move forward, to seek out someone who can guide them through a process of healing. What I want to offer you here though, is something that is simple yet extremely powerful, that can help you through those times of self-doubt and endless questioning.
“Everything that is for me flows to me and everything is all right!!”
I remember after my separation and divorce constantly being in a state of wonder. Where had it all gone wrong and what if I could have done something somewhere along the way to have made things better? Would things have been different or would they have ended exactly as they did anyway? I would literally obsess about it and I can remember long sleepless nights with my head spinning around and around. I couldn’t seem to stop. It was like I was trying to uncover some magical answer that would somehow make it all have meaning and make sense.
Something tells me you know exactly what I am talking about. That constant obsession about the past with all the different scenarios you are playing in your head, on repeat, waiting for the answer that is going to set you free.
My guess is it sounds something like this…..
What if I made the wrong decision?
What if I make the wrong decision?
What if he changes?
What if I change?
What if I never find love again?
What if it is all my fault?
What if I am crazy?
What if I am unlovable?
What if he is the best I can ever get?
What if I don’t deserve to be loved?
The list goes on and on……
The “What If” game is extremely dangerous and will keep you stuck and emotionally hooked to your Ex and the relationship. By constantly obsessing about the past you will remain in pain about your breakup, re-traumatizing yourself over and over. You will continue to criticize and judge yourself, knocking your self-esteem lower and lower. The “what If” game will guarantee that you will not be able to let go, move on, and heal.
So why play this game? I mean, it’s not like it feels good to obsess over and over in your head about all the possibilities. As a matter of fact, it feels awful. Yet, you can’t seem to stop. You are distracted by your thoughts, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat or maybe you can’t stop eating. The “What If” game has taken over your life and is turning you into your worst enemy.