How to get through it
Many people believe that once you are healed you don’t have to go through the pain and struggle anymore. Like somehow you learn how to never again let anything bother you, and you can walk around happy and positive all the time. That somehow, everything simply rolls off your shoulders and you can greet every single negative occurrence in your life with a big smile on your face. If you get upset or are in a funk, then that must mean there is something wrong with you, and you have somehow fallen a thousand steps back in your healing process.
Well, it simply just isn’t true.
No matter how far along you get in your healing process and no matter how joyful and free your life becomes, you will still go through difficulties and challenges. You will get angry, upset, frustrated, and even get down on yourself. You will have moments where you want to scream and even end up in the occasional funk.
Throughout the rest of your life, you will continue to peel back layers of yourself and grow as a human into the person you are created to be. This process will straight up suck sometimes, no matter how evolved your spirit is and how on point your mindset gets. So, when you find yourself in a funk or having a bad day, it does not mean that you are going backwards or that you are “never” going to heal, it just means you are human!!
Do the details really matter?
I remember what it felt like to get caught up in the details after my marriage ended. I would zone in on every single thing that my Ex would do, break it apart, analyze it, and come to a conclusion of why whatever just happened was the reason that I was in so much pain. I would think to myself, of course, I am struggling to move on so much, look at the details of my story.
Why did I believe that my story was so much worse than your story, or even my Ex’s story? Why did it matter so much to me that I own and commit to that story and share it with anyone who would listen?
When we get so far inside of ourselves, it becomes really difficult to see things from any other view besides the pained and rejected lenses we are viewing the world through. We commit so fully to the details of our story that suddenly it is all we can see. Think about it, if your narrative is that you have been abandoned and thrown aside and that your Ex is heartless and uncaring, you are only going to see actions that prove your story right. Your mind will not allow you to see otherwise, even if it is staring you right in the face.
Then, your next step will be to share the details of your story with the world so that you can receive confirmation and validation that you are in fact right. This is because there is a part of you that is urging you to see that the details of your story don’t matter quite as much as you think they do. A part of you is pulling you toward opening up to love and being willing to see everything, including your Ex and the situation, through the lenses of love and kindness. This part of you knows that this is the only way in which you will ever be able to grow. The only way for you to one day truly claim your joy. Yet, you are committed to your story and the details provide you with just enough fuel to keep your fire burning.
When I went through my divorce I was completely and utterly devastated. At first, that looked like shock and me going completely numb. I remember talking to my best friend night after night, repeating the facts to her and figuring out everything that needed to be done. One night during one of our marathon conversations, she asked me if I was ever going to cry. I repeatedly told her I was fine, better than fine, and that she did not need to worry about me. Obviously, I was making the best choice for myself and my son, and the fact that I was not a crying mess must be proof that my heart had been over it for some time. There was no pain, there was only me doing everything I knew I needed to do to transition into whatever this new life would be.
And then reality hit, and when I say hit, I mean reality barreled me over like a steam roller and left me peeling myself up off the floor piece by piece. What I remember most was that the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. It seared through every inch of my being with such intensity I thought it was sure to tear me apart. I cried, I screamed, I hit and threw things yet nothing seemed to make the pain go away. The pain was there to stay and it seemed there was nothing I could do about it.
So, I was left with a choice. I could allow the pain to wear me down, close my heart, and eventually break me, making it my excuse for falling apart OR I could use the pain to create and transform, making it my reason for overcoming and thriving.
I decided to use my pain as fuel for my success and becoming everything I ever dreamed I could be.
After going through any sort of loss or transition, there is so much time wasted worrying about the choices and decisions being made. Last week I wrote about the bottomless hell of the “What If Game” and how this game is a genius way to keep yourself distracted and stuck. You get caught up in an endless circle of doubt, questioning yourself at every turn and wondering which way is the right way to go. You are told to listen to your heart, follow your gut, and trust your intuition, but how are you supposed to do any of that when you honestly have no idea which voice is coming from where. As soon as you feel like you know something for sure, another voice comes through just as strongly, telling you the exact opposite thing to do. Next thing you know, you are right back in the endless circle of doubt, scared to death of making any decision at all.
Once you are caught in this circle, it becomes impossible to make a decision that you feel clear about. The longer you remain in this state of confusion, the more it overflows to other areas of your life. Before long, you are unsure of multiple decisions that need to be made and are questioning your choices across the board. Whether this process overwhelms and barrels you over, or simply nudges you with twinges of anxiety, you can feel lost and unsure, and end up allowing yourself to make the worst decision of all … No Decision. A space that leaves you disempowered and a victim of circumstance.
There are many layers of transitioning through any sort of loss and much of it involves allowing yourself to dig deeply and take an honest look at yourself, your wounds, and where you need to forgive yourself. I advise anyone struggling through a loss, feeling stuck and unable to move forward, to seek out someone who can guide them through a process of healing. What I want to offer you here though, is something that is simple yet extremely powerful, that can help you through those times of self-doubt and endless questioning.
“Everything that is for me flows to me and everything is all right!!”
I have a question for those of you who were in relationships where you were not happy, did not feel emotionally supported or safe, were not emotionally connected with your partner, and were basically staying in spite of it being a relationship that was NOT serving you.
Would you have eventually left? Would you have ever chosen yourself, chosen your own happiness, and walked away?
OR would you have continued to stay…unhappy, unfulfilled, and longing for so many things you weren’t actually living? Would you have continued to push your own needs aside in order to hold on to your marriage? Would you have continued to sacrifice yourself and your dreams?
My guess is that the answer for most of you, if you are really being honest, is that you would have stayed. You would have continued to lose yourself, turn a blind eye, forgive over and over again, make excuses, and become less of the person you were created to be. Locked up in your fears and unable to imagine a life without him, you would have ignored that feeling inside of you and pretended not to hear that voice. You know the voice I am talking about, that voice of your higher and wiser self. The voice that is always guiding you toward your greater good, toward love, toward purpose, toward your dreams. If you are being honest though, you would have stayed in a relationship that was slowly killing your soul.
And so, the ultimate devastation happens and the relationship comes to an end. Your ex walks away, maybe does some awful or horrific thing or becomes a completely different human, and you are forced to end the relationship, it is no longer an option. You are alone, you are facing your fears and you are staring in the mirror so unsure of what the future will hold.
What if my response to you is ….. CONGRATULATIONS!?!??!?
You are going along day by day and feel like things are really great. You can honestly look at yourself and say that this has been the best week of your life since the divorce. I mean, you really feel like you are getting it. All that reading, personal growth, and yoga has really been paying off. This must be it…this must be what it feels like to finally be free of the awful emotional burden of divorce. You are smiling, you are joyful, and believe it or not, you are actually feeling hopeful. Maybe your life is actually about to be normal, maybe even great. You are ready to scream it from the mountaintops and then….. BAM!!! One unexpected interaction with your ex and you are suddenly spiraling down a black hole into the abyss of heartache again.
You feel disheartened and immediately question what the heck is wrong with you. How many times can you actually let this happen, and you reason that you will never move past this pain in your life. All that joy and hope quickly turns to despair and you question all that work you have been doing… the reading, personal growth, and yoga doesn’t work at all. What’s the point of doing any of it when you end up right back in this awful pit of pain anyway? Life is not normal, and certainly is never going to be great.
Does this cycle sound familiar? Is this a pattern you tend to repeat over and over? And do you wonder if it is ever going to end?
Well… you may not like what I am going to tell you here, but I am going to tell you anyway…
One of the things I remember most from the years after my divorce was this sense of feeling stuck. When my marriage ended, I truly found myself on a mission. I was in pain, overwhelmed by more feelings than I can count, heartbroken beyond all measure AND I was determined to get through all of this in a way that would allow me to grow and expand. So, I jumped into the most intense personal growth journey I had ever been on.
Sounds great, right? I mean, isn’t this exactly what you are supposed to do? Not jump into a new relationship, not just shut down and close off, and not numb your pain in any possible way. Instead I was doing yoga, meditating, journaling, reading, going to therapy. I was doing chakra cleanses, energy work of every kind, and I even did a ceremonial burning of certain memorabilia from my marriage as a way to cleanse my heart.
I was doing all the “right” things, so why the heck was I not healing? Why the heck did I continue to feel so stuck?
How many of you feel this way? You follow all the advice you are given, read the books, have the therapist and yet you still spend each day feeling completely stuck and unable to pull yourself out to get where you want to be. And what’s worse, the more time goes by, the more stuck you seem to get. That tightness around your heart, weighing you down and pulling you backwards is there, even in your happiest of moments every day.
If you are anything like I was, you are beating yourself up about this now as well. Wondering what the heck is wrong with you and why you can’t just move on. Your inner critic is having a field day and confirming every single doubt you have ever had about yourself. How the heck can you be doing all of this work and still not be moving on?
Because deep down inside you are choosing to be stuck, and here is why…
After a divorce or breakup, there is a natural period of grief and mourning that I believe everyone must go through in some shape or form. It is a time when you feel stuck, when it seem impossible to live life, and doing even the simplest of things can feel like climbing Mt. Everest. The process looks different for everyone, but in my opinion, this period of mourning is fair game and well, you do what you need to do in order to get through the pain.
There comes a point though when you begin to see slivers of normalcy returning to your life and you start to realize that it’s time to pick yourself back up and move forward. Except, you have no idea how. You can feel this pull within you, this subtle knowing that there’s so much more for you up ahead, but you simply have no idea what that is or how you’re supposed to get there. You find yourself caught between the grief of the past and the uncertainty of the future. You find yourself stuck.
For anyone who has felt stuck before, you know exactly the feeling I’m talking about. It’s like you’re trapped under this huge weight and every step you take, that weight becomes heavier and heavier. Your mind gets clouded, your heart grows confused, and finding your way seems close to impossible. Time ticks away and nothing seems to change. If you are being honest, the more time goes by the more stuck you seem to become. You wonder why you feel this way and can’t seem to move forward and leave the past behind.
It is often said that experiencing a divorce is similar to experiencing the death of a loved one. I can tell you from my own experience that this is exactly true. Although, I sometimes think that it was even worse, because with divorce you have to continue to watch the other person living life separate from you. As a result, you question so many things about yourself and about your own abilities to function in the future. I remember questioning my worth, whether or not I was ever loved, and if I would ever be lovable again, wondering if I was good enough, debating fault and if my actions had been the cause of the break up, and feeling unsure how I would ever figure out how to survive.
I didn’t know how to answer these questions and had no idea of a path that would lead me toward healing and freedom. So, I tried anything and everything I could, just hoping and praying that somehow one of these methods would eventually make me feel better. I spent a ton of unnecessary time, money, pain searching and struggling through these unchartered waters. I spent years taking one step forward and three steps backward, a dance that I definitely did not enjoy doing and don’t plan to ever do so again.
Through my own long and painful journey, I learned great lessons and as a result, have a clear vision of my purpose and my path. One of the many lessons I learned and now subscribe to in every area of my life is coaching. No matter what endeavor I choose to take on, I now know the value of finding an expert in that area to show me the way and to impart their hard-earned wisdom on me so I can avoid the unnecessary pieces on my way toward my goals. What my coaches have provided me has been invaluable, and I am filled with gratitude when I think about how much they have served me and altered my life. Among the many reasons, this is why I’ve chosen to coach others and love what I do.
Do you ever take the time to reflect on your life and revisit the path you have travelled thus far?
When I look back and reflect on my life, the word that comes into my mind over and over again is, FULL. I have lived a life full of laughter, joy, sadness, heartbreaks, disappointments, really bad decisions, really good decisions, awful mistakes, and huge lessons. I have had to find my way through experiences that seemed impossible and I have had my moments when everything seemed perfect. Me being the person I am, I have felt things deeply and profoundly, in the only way my sensitive soul knows how. I have had to pick myself back up (a few times), learn some really tough, but cool shit, and grown a lot more than I ever thought I would need to.
For a very long time, my experience of reflection was also known as my experience of beating myself up. I would look back at my life and go over all the things that I could have done differently. My endless mantras of “what if,” “if only,” and “how could I” played on repeat over and over in my head. It wasn’t that I necessarily had regrets, more that I couldn’t give myself a break for the choices I made to get me to where I was. As you can imagine, this did not feel good and certainly did not get me anywhere.
Then I discovered the answer, or at least I thought I had.
Stop looking back at the past and keep moving forward. I learned that if I constantly stayed busy and kept striving toward something in my future, I didn’t have to reflect on my past and deal with the cycle of beating myself up. And besides, everyone was talking about being positive, so I figured I must have it right!