Tag Archives: Self love

Are You Running Nowhere Fast?

There are many things we do to distract ourselves from processing the bad stuff we experience daily. My hunch is that you have been running nowhere fast.

 

Let’s face it, the bad stuff just doesn’t really feel good at all. It is not appealing to think about facing those feelings that seek to cause you discomfort and heartache. Face those thoughts that dredge up old memories. Look at those deep dark places within you that threaten to expose your most vulnerable parts. The bad stuff starts to surface and the instinct that rises to the surface is to run and find a way to make those feelings go away.

There are so many things we do to run away. There is denial, destruction, avoidance, over-indulgence, and even depression. We find whatever ways we can, whether consciously or not, to avoid having to feel all that bad crap and keep ourselves moving forward.

What makes this worse these days, is the focus on thinking positive. We have gotten to this place where everyone seems to have the same answer for anyone’s problems…”Just think positive.” It’s almost a sign of weakness or something if you make an attempt to go into the yucky stuff that may be surfacing. And yes, focus and mindset are a major component in succeeding at any goal and a big part of what I teach all of my clients.

So that begs the question of what you are supposed to do when the inevitable moments of feeling the bad stuff come up. Can you just positively think your way out of having to face them?

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Why You Must Be Open to Receiving Help

Make the choice to work with a coach, a mentor or a therapist. Empower yourself the gift of living to the potential you have been created to live.

 

I have noticed that most people associate the act of seeking out a coach, mentor, therapist, or counselor with times of being in crisis. The idea of seeing someone doesn’t even occur to most until there is an experience of pain and discomfort, a struggle to find their way through a challenge or catastrophe. I notice this when parents question whether or not to place their children in therapy or counseling, worrying that this may somehow be a negative experience in their life. Or when couples wait until they are no longer speaking or not having sex to begin counseling. While times of crisis are absolutely important times to seek out help, I have always viewed the helping field in a very different way.

Making the choice to work with a coach, mentor, therapist, or counselor (let’s refer to this as seeing someone), is making the choice to empower yourself in a way that alters your life moving forward. It is a gift of opportunity that allows you to heal, learn, and grow in ways that you are unable to do so on your own. When you can give yourself, or your loved ones, this opportunity PRIOR to a crisis, you are giving yourself/them the gift of preparation, a readiness to deal with whatever comes your way. Having tools and support prior to challenges and crisis allows you to navigate your way through life in a more empowered and effective way.

As I have gone through my life, I have ventured in and out working with therapist, counselors, mentors, and coaches. Each one has provided me with knowledge and tools, and each one has allowed me to understand myself in a different and deeper way. I have worked with someone in times of crisis, as well as times when all is good in my world, and each has provided a very different experience.

When working with someone while in crisis, the focus is usually on the issue at hand and therefore my thinking, perception, and openness have been less open. We often times get so caught up in the stress and pain of a problem that we are unable to see past through it. Our view becomes limited and therefore our ability to learn and to grow becomes compromised as well. Working with someone through a crisis is absolutely beneficial and there are times in my life that would have gone very differently had I not had the support and guidance of a mentor.

When working with someone while life is just flowing along, the work I have done has been much broader. It is during these times that my ability to explore within myself is much greater, and I am able to see the big picture in a clearer way. Being able to work on personal development while not in pain and/or stress was an opportunity for me to learn tools and practice implementing them in a safe and non-pressure way. And it is through having this experience that I have felt better equipped and more empowered to handle life’s challenges as they come my way.

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Change Is So Freaking Easy….Right!!

Make a decision to start your journey of change. Commit to take daily actions and let go of your fears that are holding you back from achieving your dreams

 

Change is easy, right?

I mean, you make the decision that you want to change, need to change, and then you just do it. You take the necessary steps, one right after the other until you reach your goal of change. There is nothing else to it… make the decision, take the steps, enjoy the benefits.

So then, what’s the problem??

Change is probably one of the absolute hardest things for most people to wrap their heads around. As humans, we seek out the comfort and stability of what we know, what we are used to. It makes us feel safe. It makes us feel secure. We prefer comfort and security so much over the unknown and change that most people will remain in the unhappiest of situations for way too long, possibly forever. The unhappiest of situations is somehow less frightening, less overwhelming, than the uncertainty of what’s ahead. 

Overall, we would rather be miserable than face the unknown.

When you read this, are you shocked? Or does a part of you secretly relate to what I am saying, knowing on some level that it is true? I imagine you are being reminded of the promises you have made to eat healthy, the exercise routines you committed to in the past, the toxic relationships in your life that eat away at your soul. Some of you have probably been quitting your soul sucking job for years or leaving a loveless marriage for decades, yet you can’t seem to get further than a few Google searches and possibly a couple of conversations with friends. Each and every day, the act of staying where you are drains the life right out of you, your tradeoff for not having to move forward into a life of unknowns.

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Abandoned…Deserted…Left Behind. Is This You??

left behind

 

Abandoned…. Deserted…. Left behind….

These are the terms I hear so many women use to describe how they feel after a divorce or break-up, even from those who were the ones to leave. There is shock around watching their significant other move on with their life in a quick and seemingly painless manner. There are endless thoughts about whether or not they ever really mattered, if they were ever really loved. There is question after question about how someone they believed in so much could simply abandon everything they had.

Abandoned…. Deserted…. Left behind….

When I hear these terms I feel something inside me stir. I have felt these feelings tear through me like a knife, endlessly ripping away at my heart, and wondering how I would ever mend the wounds that were created. These feelings ate away at me in a manner that I couldn’t seem to escape. I obsessed about it to the point of making myself sick, falling to my knees endless nights asking “Why?” “Why?”

The answers never seemed to come, no matter how many times I asked and no matter how hard I tried.

Until one day they did and I understood why there was so much pain.

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Are You Guilty of Being Delusional?

Most of us after a breakup are delusional enough to create a past that doesn't actually exist. Then we easily fool ourselves and lay the blame on us

 

An interesting thing happens when you are grieving the loss of love. Facts about your life that were at one point so clear suddenly become distorted. You begin to remember things that weren’t there and forget things that were.

When my marriage ended, I was very clear about the reality of the relationship I was in. I knew in the deepest part of my soul that I was in a highly toxic situation and that removing myself and my son was the absolute best thing for us all. My knowledge of the facts was clear, so clear that I journaled my whole way through the process, providing myself written proofs of the truth of my situation.

And then time went by and somehow reality took on a new form. I would think back and only seem to remember the good times and would make those good times seem even better than they actually were. When I did recall the bad times, I would remember them as not so bad. My thought process would center around those bad times being my fault and me actually making my relationship worse than it really was. I actually began to believe that my Ex would have been a different person if I would have been different.

Eventually, in my mind, I went from leaving a toxic relationship to losing an amazing man. My mind and heart were creating a story of the past that simply was not real and delusional, and I was torturing myself at every turn.

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How to Get Through the Dreaded Year of Firsts!

How to Get Through your Dreaded Year of Firsts! It's important to have someone who can give you the tools you need to take back ownership of your life

 

Your marriage has ended and now it is time for you to begin learning to live a new life, a life that seems foreign, and a life that you probably felt you have been plucked into without any warning. . Whether you have ended your marriage by choice or not, having to recalibrate and learn new ways of being will be a reality for all. There will be holidays, tasks and responsibilities, places, and people that will all seem new and unreal. You will be challenged and triggered along the way as you attempt to steady yourself along unsteady ground. You will feel scared and unsure as you begin to root yourself into this new way of being. You may cry out against the unfairness of it all as you struggle to learn new skills and create new memories.

I remember being in this place like it was yesterday. I remember feeling slighted by the deck of cards life seemed to have handed me. Learning to live my life completely on my own without someone there to run things by or pick up the slack was terrifying to me. I felt lost, I felt scared, and I felt pissed. Mixed in with that was my struggle to experience life on my own, a life that kept going on, day by day, even though it sure felt to me like life should just stop right in its tracks. Every holiday that came, every person I faced, and every place that I went served as a reminder to all that I had lost and the uncertainty of what lies ahead.

About 4 days after my Ex and I separated, I celebrated my 34th birthday. That painful night would mark the first of too many firsts that I would have to experience. Little did I know that hole in my chest, that feeling like something was missing, that sense of being off balance would pop up over and over throughout the next year.

Going through all of this was painful and scary, but along the way I learned and I grew. With each day that passed, I discovered tools, techniques, and wisdom that helped to empower me and make me stronger. I found a steadiness and truth that resided in my heart, and I know now, I would not have found this had I not gone through that challenging year of firsts.

And so today, I want to share what I learned so I can help you as you make your way through your year of firsts.

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That’s Right…It’s Time for YOU to be Selfish!!

To be selfish means honoring your space by setting boundaries, practicing self-care and placing your joy and happiness at the top of your list.

 

If you are anything like other women, you have at times been reprimanded for putting your wants and needs first, for setting boundaries, and for not going with the flow of what others wanted you to do. You may have been called selfish, spoiled or even a bitch. I can remember a time when I was called an ice queen and how completely embarrassed I was in that moment. It was with an interaction that changed me and made me question the way I behaved and the person I was.

I married young and at the time had terribly low self-esteem. I hadn’t really found myself yet and remember feeling as though I would probably never be able to find anyone better than my Ex. I would see that there were things I desired, callings of my heart and soul that were not being met in my relationship, but I immediately would feel like I was being ungrateful and selfish. I didn’t feel worthy of the type of man I imagined in my mind, and so I became afraid of losing what I had and did whatever it took to keep it.

As time went on, my desires and requests were looked upon as selfish and unrealistic. I felt guilty about wanting more and terrified to make any sort of demand for it. I  would have moments of clarity knowing I was worthy of everything I desired but then would quickly talk myself out of it by reminding myself I needed to be grateful for what I did have. After all, who was I to think that I could have everything I wanted? That was just selfish thinking and it quickly brought me back to memories of being called spoiled as a child.

I kept myself small and worked as hard as I could just to be grateful and stop the ridiculous thoughts about wanting and needing more.

But eventually I couldn’t pretend any longer and that part of me that knew I was worthy got louder and clearer. So I began taking risks to put myself first and made my own wants and needs a priority. It was really hard at first and I doubted myself at every turn. I felt guilty, ashamed, and even pissed a couple of people off. I stuck with it though and eventually learned the difference between being self-centered vs. making myself a priority. I learned that being selfish was actually okay.

What does being selfish mean anyway?

Being selfish really means tending toward self. It means honoring your own path in such a way that it is sacred. From this space, you set boundaries, practice self-care, place your joy and happiness at the top of your list, do not self-sacrifice, and to own your self-worth. When you are selfish, tending toward self, you fill up with so much abundance that you are able to be of service to others in a much greater way. You cannot be of service to others when you come from lack and you are beyond powerful when you come from abundance. Over time I became more and more comfortable with prioritizing me and watched as I became more joyful and full of love than ever before.

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3 Most Common Mistakes Women Make After a Break Up!

We all make mistakes. They are a necessary part of your growth. Learn about the 3 most common mistakes women make after a breakup.

 

The period after a break-up can be the most challenging for most, it is unchartered waters. No matter who you are and how much you have prepared yourself in life, your heartbreak can be devastating and an experience that feels very heavy and confusing. As I work with women finding their way during this time, there are definite patterns of behavior that are common.

One of these patterns is the 3 most common mistakes women make after a break up:

Mistake #1 – Focusing your energy in all the wrong places.

After a break-up, it can be so easy to focus on all the things that were done “TO” you and convince yourself what a complete jerk your Ex was and is. You can find yourself obsessing about what happened and trying to figure out why it happened. You may start thinking about who or what your Ex is doing right now and feel like shit because he isn’t doing it with you.

Or on the flip side, it can be easy to say “screw it” and just totally distract yourself from feeling anything at all. You might start dating men like they are going extinct, or even jump right back into another relationship, or start drinking and partying to have “much deserved” fun.

Here’s the thing…choosing to deal with a break up in either of these ways is a huge mistake. You cannot actually heal and move on from obsessing about someone else nor can you do so by distracting yourself from the pain. The only way to the other side is to go through it and a break up is actually a freaking awesome opportunity to focus on YOU. To give yourself some extra TLC, learn a ton about who you are and what you truly desire. Take an honest look at what you need to work on, and “level up” in your life so that you can continue to grow and expand into the woman you have the potential to be.

The more time you take to focus on you after your break up, the better prepared you will be for the type of love you truly desire in your heart. The quicker you will truly be living your life of joy!

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4 Questions You MUST Ask Yourself in Every Relationship

Here are four questions you should ask yourselves in your relationship. All answers to your questions are within you, if you only have the courage listen.

Do you struggle with knowing how to decipher your head from your heart?
Do you find yourself unsure about the relationships you are in, or the ones you are considering, and have no clue what to do?
Do you ignore those little instinctual feelings, the voice that gives you a warning, talking yourself out of following your own inner guidance?

There once was a time when I would have answered “Yes” to every one of these questions. I struggled in my relationships, unsure of why I didn’t feel like I could fully be myself and questioning what was wrong with me. I didn’t know how to trust my instincts and would question myself at every turn.

As you can imagine, this got me into a ton of situations that did not serve me and kept me invested in toxic relationships for far too long. I was basically sacrificing my own peace and happiness because I hadn’t learned how good relationships were supposed to feel. Convinced that it must be something I was doing wrong, I would expend so much energy and effort trying to adjust and make allowances for the things that didn’t feel good or right in my heart.

And I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt right now, that plan did not work at all. I stayed in a toxic marriage way too long and even convinced myself to attempt a reconciliation. I dated men who didn’t align with me and the journey I was on. I even created and invested in superficial relationships that didn’t serve me or the other person. I was spinning my wheels trying to figure out how I was supposed to decipher between the feelings in my heart and the thoughts in my head whenever something felt off while my mind convinced me that I must be crazy.

As I talk with clients, I see so many women struggling through the same thing when either dating a new partner or considering a reconciliation with a past partner. They find themselves confused and unclear, not sure of what they are really supposed to do.
I tell my clients that the answer to every question they can ever have is:

Learn to listen and have the courage to follow your intuition, even if it doesn’t make sense where it is leading you.

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Ways You Beat Yourself Up!

Women are often harder on themselves than anyone else. I encourage you to stop beat yourself and look at yourself through the eyes of those who love you.

 

Lately, I have been noticing something that so many women seem to struggle with on a daily basis. I know I have in the past, and honestly, at times I still do. I have had to learn techniques and become very aware around it so that I do not allow this habit to run my life.

Do you have a guess as to what it may be?

Women are way too hard on themselves!

Being hard on yourself shows up in a variety of different ways and half of the time, you probably don’t even realize you are doing it. You may wonder why you are feeling badly, having a hard time loving yourself, and struggling to reach your goals. You may think it has something to do with the outside circumstances of your life. Maybe your dead-end job or the partner that isn’t giving you what you need, but it really never has anything to do with the outside world.

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