Who do you think you are?
This is a voice from my childhood, a voice that reminded me that I was too big, too sensitive, too outspoken, and too bright. The voice that put me in my place and taught me to play it small, stay in the shadows, and constantly prove my worth.
This is the voice I hear in my head now whenever I attempt to stretch my boundaries. Whether it be to accomplish my dreams or allow myself to rest, I hear myself wondering just who do I think I am.
We all have these voices inside of us, these messages that we received when we were little and internalized in only the way a child can. We gave these messages meaning, created stories and beliefs around them, and constructed our life choices from this place. As children, these were survival strategies that got us through whatever childhood challenges we faced. Survival strategies are a brilliant and intelligent way that we as human beings navigate the world. They work wonders, until they don’t. Eventually, as we feel the pull to grow and evolve, these strategies no longer work. Rather than helping us to navigate successfully through our lives, they become the source of breakdowns and pain. What once was effective is now something to be transformed.
As I sit in an attempt to stretch my boundaries of self-care and self-allowance, I am faced with my own internal strategy of performing and doing as a way to earn my worth and enough-ness in this world. What my soul needs right now is to rest and to be in a state of nothing-ness. To give myself the freedom to just be, as is, just me. What I must dance with is the extreme discomfort and tugging of that part of me that needs to keep moving and doing. The part of me that struggles to see that she is enough and her worth is her divine right. The part of me that has nothing to prove. The part of me that has kept me in constant motion, sometimes at super hero speed, to be and do everything.
And so now comes the work. The part where we must sit in the discomfort and welcome in all of the painful and uncomfortable feelings we work so hard to silence and keep away. To hold ourselves with love and acceptance, allowing the pain to arise and the feelings to be seen and expressed. To stay with this part of ourselves, for as long as it takes, as she grieves, heals, and moves forward. To have the courage to dive in and do this dance that will eventually set us free and connect us to the deeper truth and knowing.
Who do you think you are?
This voice of my childhood that has influenced my choices in staying in the shadows and playing small. This voice that has prevented me from choosing to rest and just be. This voice that was once painful and something I pushed away.
Well now… now it is a powerful voice that I welcome.
Who do I think I am??
I am Worthy!
I am Enough!
And as I sit in the vast space of nothing, I realize that I am everything.
With love and joy,